The Tool box: A parents gift to their children

The Tool Box

A parents gift to their children

Although it seems counterintuitive, the day a baby arrives into the world, is the day that we start to learn to let go. This may start by letting go of a full nights sleep, of showering daily or having time to ourselves, but, we know it won’t be forever (even though some days it may feel like it). We rely on the things we’ve learned, our tools, to help us adjust and, as gracefully as possible, move forward. Without realizing it, we begin to build a toolbox so that our child has the tools for an amazing life.

As the baby grows and demands change, it is our job as parents to teach them; maybe that’s a schedule, (structure being the tool), maybe it is time with many family members (socializing being the tool) or maybe it is a love of books or music (reading/music as an outlet being the tool).  Without real thought or intention, we are adding these tools with every milestone and phase of life.

When a sibling arrives, there are different challenges; competition, splitting time, and trying to keep everyone happy, including ourselves. Holding a family together to run and communicate effectively is challenging. It is a delicate balance to keep everyone “happy” all the time. In the moments of dissatisfaction, when a child’s demands are not being put first, their feelings may get hurt; Regardless of the fact that you are trying your hardest to do your best and keep your own head above water. Yet, in those moments, you gift them another tool; One of calm, patience or flexibility or an opportunity to learn to self sooth. When they learn that they have tools, they can start learning how and when to use them. They acquire them by watching us lead by example. Making our children happy all of the time is an unrealistic goal. However, they continue to learn lessons; through disappointment, patience and sometimes conflict. And they add those tools to their toolboxes too. 

The saying goes; “Small children, small problems. Bigger children, bigger problems.”  One day you realize that the exasperating and very vocal resistance to an unwanted nap, sharing toys, and negotiations of “one more bite before dessert” is overrun by deeply hurt feelings when peers become reckless with judgment or exclusion in tween/teen years.  Or when the sass and the “you just don’t get it” attitudes emerge. You find yourself kind of wishing you had the verbal battles of toddler hood over the newfound silence of teen hood, when you see tears but no explanation of why, when you hear, “I’m fine” when they are clearly not. You then find yourself scrambling for a tool and realize that in that moment, you can only give them the tool of a soft landing or a non-judgmental ear. A silence embrace. A safe room to shed tears and figure it out. A simple story about your own awkward teenage experience. You may feel helpless, but the gifts you’re giving them are silently multiplying and the tool box is filling. 

After the 18 years that you have had to talk, discuss and share your stories and knowledge, suddenly time comes to a screeching halt. One day, they become “of legal age” and although you may not feel they are ready to go out and explore the world, they are. As they leave the home or go off to college, you realize; "Oh my gosh. It’s no longer my job to fix them.” But, rest assured, they are ready and want to fix themselves. You may scramble, as I did, saying, “Wait! I need to share just one more life lesson; add just one more tool that you might need…” but realize, that there just isn’t room. The toolbox you have spent your last 18 years filling is overflowing and there is no room for anything more. The important thing is, they took it with them. 

The joy is that one day, you get a call from that child, asking your opinion on which tool to use for a situation they are in. What a blessing to know that they actually have the knowledge to know that they don’t know! They share stories of compassion for another hurting person or the self-control they had not to strangle someone as they tried to be open to see both sides. You realize that your influence, your tools, are helping them to build a beautiful life. 

But know with certainty that the lessons don’t end just because our kids go out on their own.  When these amazing children start having careers and lives of their own, they then realize that there is a whole new toolbox compartment that they never knew even existed. It magically appears as they realize their adulting life includes a life of commitment, parenting and challenges and that they may benefit from someone who has tried life on for a few years. 

The difference is, at this stage, the tools are gifted when requested or are offered when there appears to be a cry for help. It can be received with grace, to use right away or at a later time, or it can be rejected. But if rejected, it will be gently stored away for the time in the future when it is humbly requested. At that time, it will be given, with love, with non-judgement and with compassion. Accompanying it is always the silent gift of trust.

This last phase of tool gifting will last until the parent dies. It is an honor and we do it with complete love. It does not deplete us, because giving doesn’t mean its gone, rather it just means that it has been tested, well used, re-sharpened and is ready to be used and lovingly shared.

May you always remember the intention of the gifts of the toolbox; to help build your life with the utmost beauty, grace and love you’ve ever known. 

Written by: Tracy L. Matteson